When My Little Toolbox Stopped Working

Have you ever been trotting along in your happy, jolly little life, and then suddenly something happens that completely changes the way you see everything?

That is the only way I know how to describe the last few weeks.

Losing Papa Jake was incredibly sad, but I think it triggered something much bigger in me than grief alone. It felt like I went from happy-go-lucky Lissy to, “Oh my goodness…this is life,” almost overnight.

Suddenly, I was thinking about getting older, about my parents, and about the fact that the people I love won’t always be here. I know this is something everyone eventually faces, but I don’t think I had ever truly let myself feel the weight of it before.

And honestly, it kind of overtook me.

I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to work. Even Little Fish, which normally brings me so much joy, was the last thing I wanted to think about. For a couple of weeks, it felt like my life had just paused.

I have always thought of myself as a pretty positive person. When something is hard, I pull out my little toolbox of things that usually help me find my way back. But this time, not one tool in that box seemed to work.

I am finally starting to see a little light and feel more like myself again. I’m getting excited to return to Little Fish and the work that brings me so much happiness and purpose. But I also know I’m coming through this as a slightly different person.

I’m not sharing this because I think my experience is any harder than what so many others have been through. Actually, it is the opposite. I’m sharing it because I realize now how little I understood.

So before I jump back into Little Fish and all the happy things ahead, I just wanted to send love to anyone who has ever quietly carried grief, depression, anxiety or this kind of emptiness. I truly had no idea how hard it could be. I understand a little more now, and I have so much more empathy for all of you. 🤍